The Adventures of Bobby the HouseElf
by Varietygirl9143
Summary: Quite frankly, Bobby is a house-elf. Written simply because I was bored. That and I hate when people make house-elves stupid... Includes spastic house-elves, dull forks, a lethal SPEW button, Pimp My Office, and craziness.
1. In Which We Are Introduced to Bobby

The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf 

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Once upon a time, in a kingdom called Great Britain there lived a House-Elf.

This House-Elf's name was Bobby.

That is the reason that this tale is called "The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf."

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And now on to the real story.


	2. In Which Bobby Has A Plan

The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf Chapter 2 

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Bobby grumbled as he washed piles of plates. He hated the way that these students treated him. The brats were always marching down to his precious kitchen and fairly _demanding _food! The nerve of them.

_I have an idea_, he thought suddenly. _I shall lead… THE HOUSE-ELF INSURECTION! _

He started laughing manically, causing Binky and Twinkles to giggle at him.

"Oh just shut it," he said gruffly.

He threw down his dishtowel, listening to the satisfying wet sound of it hitting the floor.

Then he randomly turned around.

And randomly picked up a fork.

A _dull_ fork.

_Yes,_ he thought darkly. _With this utensil I shall conquer all Hogwarts and free Elves everywhere!_

He raised an Elf-y eyebrow.

_But first I shall finish the dishes._


	3. In Which Bobby Is Unhappy

The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf Chapter 3 

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Bobby was not happy. In fact, one could say that he was an unhappy house-elf. And you know what they say about unhappy house-elves, _ain't nobody happy if the house-elf ain't happy_.

And so, Bobby was doing his best to make sure that no one was happy.

And he was doing a right good job of it.

At breakfast, he had made sure to burn all the toast.

At lunch, he had made sure to burn all the pot roast.

He wasn't sure what to do for dinner.

They hadn't gotten there yet. It was only two o'clock in the afternoon.

But he would think of that later. Right now he had more important things to do. Like plan… _THE HOUSE-ELF INSURECTION!_

_But first,_ he thought darkly. _I need a nap. Yes… I need a nap._

Because if the house-elf ain't getting his nine hours ain't nobody getting their nine hours.

He would make _very_ sure of that.


	4. In Which Bobby Misunderstands

The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf Chapter 4 

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Bobby woke refreshed. Well, as refreshed as a grouchy house-elf could get.

He yawned and stretched, punching the kitchen's house-elf dorm room's random bookshelf in the process.

A mysterious object plunked down onto Bobby's head, hitting right between the abnormally large ears.

Plunk! Went the mysterious object.

Ow! Went Bobby.

He picked up the mysterious object, ready to throw it at the wall.

But something made him hesitate.

Probably the author.

Bobby glanced down at the mysterious object, in the hope that it would soon be the object formerly known as mysterious.

It was a button.

Not a coat button, but a campaign button type thing. Like the ones that say "I voted today!" that they give to everyone, whether or not they actually voted.

The button said "S.P.E.W."

"I know what this is!" Bobby said excitedly. "It's the secret society 'Silly People Eat Worms'! It was said to have died out years ago!"

"It did, Bobby-san!" Dobby said randomly, poking his head into the kitchen's house-elf dorm room.

Bobby threw the button at Dobby's head, knocking the older elf out cold.


	5. In Which Bobby Scowls

The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf Chapter 5 

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A/N: Sorry for the wait, I was out of town this past weekend. 

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Bobby picked his button up once more and weighed it in his hand. He stopped a moment to appreciate the cold hardness of plastic and metal, working together to make… a pin.

He began to pin the button onto his tea towel uniform.

Bobby and the other house-elves quickly made dinner (which consisted of vegetarian peanut butter and jam sandwiches, corned beef, and mashed potatoes) and sent it up to the Great Hall. Bobby made sure to burn some of the corned beef.

He laughed as he imagined the students picking at their corned beef in disgust.

Suddenly he heard voices from upstairs.

"I _hate _corned beef!"

Bobby laughed.

"I'm _allergic_ to corned beef!"

Bobby laughed again.

"I need more gravy!"

Bobby stopped laughing abruptly.

He scowled.

He would go up there and teach that kid a lesson. Or maybe it was a teacher. You never know.

Bobby snapped his fingers darkly — which we didn't know was possible, but it apparently is — and Apperated up to the Great Hall.

Bobby spotted the perpetrator of the gravy crime immediately.

It was… Ron Weasley.

Ooh, Bobby could spot a Weasley boy at ten thousand paces. They had appetites that would rival those of killer whales and he just didn't like them.

Bobby stalked over to Ron Weasley.

Ron Weasley looked up.

Spotting Bobby, Ron Weasley said, "Hey, house-elf! I need more gravy!"

Bobby scowled. Again.


	6. In Which Bobby Does the UnSpeakable

The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf Chapter 6 

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Ron Weasley cowered in fear before Bobby.

Or at least he would once Bobby was finished with him.

"Hey house-elf!" He said again, louder this time, just in case Bobby hadn't heard his annoying voice the first time around. "I. Need. More. GRAVY!"

Bobby narrowed his eyes.

He unpinned the S.P.E.W. button from his tea towel.

He opened the pin and stalked towards the youngest Weasley boy.

Bobby lifted the pin high and brought it down, right it into Ron's thigh.

Within twenty seconds, Bobby had stabbed Ron Weasley to death with his S.P.E.W. button.

The other Gryffindors sitting at the table sat in stunned silence. And just sat there.

Some of the Slytherins cheered.

But the Ravenclaws shushed them and the Hufflepuffs told them that they were being tactless.

ANYWAY.

Hermione Granger got up and spoke.

"Hey!" She said articulately.

People murmured their assent, as they always did when Hermione Granger spoke. She knew everything after all.

"WHAT?!" Bobby said, rounding on Hermione Granger.

"You killed him!"

"SO?" Bobby said carelessly, waving his hand around and speaking in all-caps.

"Hey!" Hermione Granger said again.

"WHAT NOW?!" Bobby said, still speaking in all-caps.

"I recognize that button!" Hermione Granger said, deciding to end every single sentence of her dialogue with an exclamation point.

Bobby sighed dramatically. He was growing tired of this Hermione Granger girl. She annoyed him.

_Maybe I should off her too…._

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A/N: Ok, let me just say that I actually don't have anything against Ron. He was just a convenient person to kill. Lol. But yeah, I don't have anything against him. I actually kind of like him. Be shocked, Julie, be shocked. 


	7. In Which Bobby Is Interrupted

**The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf**

**Chapter 7**

_The longest chapter yet! By the way, I love you guys. We're barely over 100 hits and this has got 25 reviews. It makes me laugh._

* * *

Bobby nodded, a look of finality on his face.

_He raised the pin on high once more, ready to bring it down upon his newest prey!_

_He swung down, grinning in anticipation of the bloody destruction—_

Bobby shook his head. No, he couldn't do that. The girl in front of him may be righteously annoying but he couldn't just kill her like that. She had friends and family… she had people who cared about her! He couldn't just kill her.

Hermione Granger looked curiously at his button.

"How'd you get that anyway?" She said, breaking her pattern of only speaking in sentences that end in exclamation points.

"I found it… not that it's any of _your_ business," Bobby said, pulling the button close to his body and covering it with his abnormally large hands.

"How come you can speak well?" Hermione Granger said, starting what looked like a new pattern of speaking in sentences that end in question marks.

"How come you're not?" Bobby retorted. "Seriously, that's horrible English! It's not 'how come you can speak well?' It should be 'why is it that you are capable of speech in much the same way I am?'"

"Right," Hermione Granger said, causing everyone to gasp. She had just used a sentence that did not end in a question mark or an exclamation point. What _was_ the world coming to.

Bobby rolled his eyes.

"Why do you care about my button anyway?" He asked suspiciously, still taking great care to hide the button from sight.

"Because I made it for S.P.E.W.! That's why!" Hermione Granger replied. Everyone around them groaned, she was back to exclamation points.

"S.P.E.W.? You're part of Silly People Eat Worms?!" Bobby asked excitedly.

"What? No! It's the Society for the Promotion of Elvish Welfare! Why would you think that it's some stupid club like Silly People Eat Worms?" Hermione Granger said in a very confused voice.

"First of all," Bobby said sternly. "Silly People Eat Worms is _**not**_ a stupid club. Secondly, it's not my fault that you decided to use an acronym that was already taken! Thirdly, we would you want to protect elves? They're all tall and brave and can take care of themselves!"

"Not plain old elves," Hermione Granger explained in a would-be patient sort of voice. "_House_-elves, like you! I want to protect you!"

She smiled happily at him and reached out to give the disgruntled house-elf a hug.

Horrified, Bobby stepped back. What on earth could he do to stop this hugging maniac? Then he remembered his original plan. He grinned at her.

"What makes you think I need protecting?" He said silkily – even though there was no need to speak silkily, he just thought it was fun. Plus it threw everyone off!

With those words he raised his precious button on high once more and plunged it downwards at a deadly speed.

At the last second, someone grabbed his bony wrist.

He yelled out in anguish.

"Will no one let me kill this confounded girl?!"

"Nope. Not right now at least," said a new voice.


	8. In Which Bobby Writes A Letter

**The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf **

**Chapter 8**

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"_Will no one let me kill this confounded girl?!"_

"_Nope. Not right now at least," said a new voice._

Bobby looked up hopefully at the stranger's last sentence. "You mean I'll get to kill her later?"

"Maybe," the stranger said mysteriously. "But only if the author says it's ok."

Bobby nodded in tight-lipped silence. He would have to have a word with this mysterious author person….

"So you stopped me from killing this girl because the author hadn't given us the go yet?" Bobby said after a moment of his tight-lipped silence.

"Not entirely," the inexplicable stranger answered. "I'm really here because it's illegal to wield a sharp object in a public area, which means the Great Hall – 'cause that's a public area."

"Oh," Bobby said. "So if I take her out somewhere that's not a public area… I can kill her?"

"Yep."

"Cool," Bobby said happily.

He trotted gaily back to the kitchen where he grabbed a spare quill and some dirty old parchment (the only bit in the entire kitchen that hadn't been used for hangman). He quickly wrote out a note, as concisely as he could.

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_Dear Miss Hermione Granger,_

_I would like to request that you meet me in the secluded location of my choosing (Dungeon 5) at 3 o'clock this afternoon. And please remember to wish your friends farewell._

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_That should do it_, Bobby thought, sealing the parchment up and handing it to the wandering mail-duck that the house-elves kept for just these occasions.

The wandering mail-duck wandered off in search of Hermione Granger.

It found her soon enough.

Hermione Granger took the letter from the wandering mail-duck's bill and slit it with her ferociously sharp fingernail.

She read the note inside, out loud, so that Harry and Ron could hear it.

"_Dear Miss Hermione Granger,_

_I would like to request that you meet me in the secluded location of my choosing (Dungeon 5) at 3 o'clock this afternoon. And please remember to wish your friends farewell._"

The trio was silent for a moment.

" 'Mione's got an admirer!" Ron Weasley said in a singsong voice. Then he remembered he was dead. So he left the Gryffindor Common Room, curled back up in his grave and died again.

Hermione Granger giggled. "Yay! I've never had an admirer before!"

Harry Potter gave her a strange look. "It sounds like this guy wants to kill you."

"Nonsense Harry!" Hermione replied, speaking once more in sentences ending in exclamation points. "Those years of having Voldemort after you must really have taken a toll! Or maybe you're just jealous!"

She grinned at him.

Harry slapped her. "Hermione, snap out of it! You're not normally this stupid. What's up?"

"Nothing Harry! I just have an admirer!"

Harry sighed. "Fine. Go meet your 'admirer.' Get killed. See if I care."

"Ok!" Hermione said.

So off she went to meet her admirer.

Meanwhile, Bobby was waiting for her in Dungeon 5. He had thought briefly about waiting for her in Dungeon 4 (just to throw everyone off) but had decided against it.

Hermione Granger soon arrived.

"Hermione Granger! Prepare to die! With a button!" Bobby shouted, wielding his pin on high.

"AH!" Hermione Granger screamed.

"YES! DIE WITH A BUTTON!"

And she did.

Die with a button, that is.

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**This is by no means the end! There will be more. Rejoice, my button-loving friends. Chapter 9 is coming soon. And personally, I think the mail-duck is a mallard. **


	9. In Which Bobby Is Hardly Mentioned

**The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf**

**Chapter 9**

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Harry Potter was strolling happily through the dungeons—his favorite place to take a relaxing walk.

He saw a moss-covered stone.

"Hello, moss-covered stone!" He said happily. "How are you today?"

The moss-covered stone did not answer.

He moved on.

He saw a crack in the ceiling.

"Hello, crack in the ceiling!" He said happily. "I shall tell Filch to repair you!"

Harry Potter fancied that the crack in the ceiling beamed down at him.

Either that or it was just a really big crack.

He moved on.

He saw a slug crawling across the floor.

"Hello, slug!" He said happily. "You must have escaped from the Potions supply room! Don't worry, little slug! I, Harry Potter, shall save you!"

The slug did not answer.

* * *

_Slug's point of view_

"Today's the day, old boy! You'll finally escape from that blasted Potions supply room!" The slug (who's name was Herman) said optimistically.

_Crawl._

_Crawl._

_Crawl._

"Almost out…. Come on, Herman! You can do it!" Herman the slug said, content to be his own cheerleader.

_Crawl._

_Crawl._

_Crawl._

_Crawl._

"You've done it! I always knew you could, Herman, old chap!" Herman told himself happily.

_Stomp._

_Stomp._

_Stomp._

"What's that?" Herman said anxiously.

There were footsteps coming down the corridor.

And they were headed straight for him.

Dramatic music started playing in Herman's head. He began talking to himself again, assuring himself that the world was not out to get him, and generally referring to himself in the third person.

Yes, this was strange behavior—even for a slug.

Why did Herman act this way?

Because he was Herman, the schizophrenic slug.

Suddenly a voice boomed down at him.

"Hello, slug!" Said the voice. "You must have escaped from the Potions supply room! Don't worry, little slug! I, Harry Potter, shall save you!"

With that, the giant named Harry Potter picked up Herman the schizophrenic slug and trotted off to the Potions supply room, not three feet away. Or not quite one meter if you insist on doing it in metrics.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" shouted Herman the schizophrenic slug and all his inner voices.

The giant ignored him.

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_Back to the normal point of view_

Harry Potter picked up the slug and trotted the three feet (or not quite one meter) to the Potions supply room.

In the Potions supply room, he met a house-elf.

The house-elf's name was Bobby.

Bobby was cleaning a button.

The button looked suspiciously bloody.

"Hello, Bobby!" Harry Potter greeted him graciously. "I am Harry Potter! Have you seen my friend, Hermione Granger?"

"No…" Bobby said vaguely, swiftly hiding the button from sight.

"Oh. Perhaps you need a description. She's short, brainy, not much of figure that's visible through her school robes, mildly annoying, always going on about house-elf rights. Seen her?"

"No…" Bobby said even more vaguely, edging toward the door.

"Alright… well, how about this? The fanfiction people have decided that she's a bloody genius, she's got curves that we never knew existed, she's secretly in love with Draco Malfoy, she's not really a muggleborn, and she's destined to have my babies. Seen her?"

"Um, yeah," Bobby said, stepping out into the corridor.

"Really? That's great! Where is she?" Harry Potter said cheerfully.

"Check Dungeon 5," Bobby said evasively.

So Harry Potter did.

From the safe haven that was the kitchens, Bobby heard the distressed cry of Harry Potter.

"Now I'll never have babies!"

Bobby picked up a rolling pin, began beating himself on the head with it, and vowed to kill someone else before the day was over.

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**So I decided to pacify those of you who have been bugging me to update. Hope you like it! But this is what you get for having me just jot down a chapter…. I end up with two pages in MS Word from a slug's POV!**

**Oh, and I don't mean offense with any of this. I have a cousin who's schizophrenic, so I know only too well how not fun it can be.**

**:does Darth Vader breathing:**

**Sorry.**

**Next chapter will be up as soon as I have a free moment to write it.**


	10. In Which Bobby Overhears

**The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf**

**Chapter 10**

_No offense meant to the Irish or anyone who takes offense to any of this._

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_Bobby picked up a rolling pin, began beating himself on the head with it, and vowed to kill someone else before the day was over._

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Bobby was wandering the halls of Hogwarts listlessly.

"I feel so… listless!" Bobby said sadly. His brows furrowed. "I do not like being listless. I need to kill someone to make myself feel better."

And so Bobby now wandered the halls of Hogwarts with a purpose: to find someone to kill.

He came upon Neville Longbottom. The boy tripped. No, he couldn't kill Neville Longbottom—the boy might beat him to it.

He then came upon Draco Malfoy. Gag.

He'd kill that pansy later.

Next he came upon Millicent Bulstrode. She could probably kill Draco Malfoy (gag) with her bare hands. He'd have to keep her around.

He came upon some random Ravenclaw, about whom there is very little known. He couldn't kill him/her. There wasn't enough canon information on him/her to make it worthwhile to kill him/her.

He continued wandering with a purpose.

Then Bobby noticed that a crowd was gathering.

_Good._ He thought. _Finally they're going to recognize my greatness._

The crowd continued to gather.

_I'm so under-appreciated._

Bobby heard raised voices. It sounded like two boys, probably between the ages of fifteen and eighteen. His keen sense of hearing tuned in on the voices a little more. One sounded like he was approximately five feet and five inches, give or take about a quarter inch. The other sounded precisely six feet, three and one-ninth of an inch.

Bobby hurried on towards the voices.

It did turn out to be two boys. And yes, one of them was five feet and five inches, give or take about a quarter inch, and the other was precisely six feet, three and one-ninth of an inch.

_Score_, Bobby thought victoriously.

The boys turned out to be Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas. They were arguing. Quite loudly.

Bobby's curiosity was aroused.

Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas were arguing quite loudly about football. Or soccer, if you insist upon being an obnoxious American.

"Football is awesome!"

"Quidditch is awesome…er."

"Oh yeah? Well…. Your MOM is awesomer!"

"What?"

"You heard me, Finnigan."

"WTF?"

"HA! I'm too quick-witted for you, aren't I?"

"Really? Try this one on for size! You smell!"

Dean Thomas burst into tears.

Bobby's eyes narrowed with glee. He would kill the one who made the other boy cry. Boys shouldn't make other boys cry. It was just wrong. Plus the kid had an annoying Irish lilt.

And so, Bobby waited for the crowd to move on.

Which it did, about five minutes and thirty-two seconds later.

"Seamus Finnigan?" Bobby said in a low, creepy voice.

"Yes?" Seamus Finnigan replied in his annoying Irish lilt.

"Prepare to meet your maker," Bobby said serenely.

"Mum?" Seamus Finnigan asked in his annoying Irish lilt.

"No," Bobby said flatly.

"Dad?" The annoying Irishman tried again.

"No," Bobby said, irritation showing in his tone.

"Doctor Johnson?"

"FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN'S SPORK: NO!" Bobby screeched.

Seamus Finnigan wiggled his finger around in his right ear. He seemed to now be deaf on one side…. _This may prove problematic_, he thought.

"Look, kid, can I just get this over with?" Bobby asked, sounding more and more American every second.

"Oh, sure!" Seamus Finnigan said in his lilting Irish voice.

"Thanks."

Bobby raised his button on high and brought it swiftly downwards, reveling in the deadly hum it made as it swooped down upon its prey.

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Bobby smiled, happy for the first time since he had killed that Granger girl. That is, he _was_ happy. Until he heard the voice of that Potter brat again.

"But I wanted to have babies!"

* * *

**Special thanks to my brothers (who shall be referred to as J and M), who helped me with this chapter simply by saying "You should kill Seamus!" Well, they said more than that, but that's how it all started. They have also helped me make a general plan for chapters 11- 17. **

**Let it also be known that I have nothing against Seamus Finnigan and that I actually find the Irish lilt endearing and kind of cute. Oh and I personally can't stand the canon Draco. He reminds me too much of a guy I know and hate. I much prefer the fanfiction Draco. Anyway, just remember that my goal through this whole thing is to just have fun skewering everyone that I possibly can.**

**By the way, I am American. So by skewering Americans, I am also skewering myself. It's all in good fun. **


	11. In Which Bobby Hates Cameras

**The Adventures of Bobby the House Elf **

**Chapter 11**

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"Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Mysterious deaths in Hogwart's Halls!"

"Shut up, Colin!"

"NO! The people deserve to know! I have the responsibility of warning people: YOU COULD BE NEXT!" Colin Creevy shouted.

The students in the Great Hall were silent.

A few crickets chirped.

"He's right, you know."

"Shut up, Dumbledore!" Snape said in his silky voice.

"Detention, Severus!" McGonagall said in her Scottish voice.

"No!" Snape said in his not-amused-voice.

"Yes!" McGonagall said in her no-nonsense-voice.

"No!" Snape said in his don't-give-me-this-crap-voice.

"Yes!" McGonagall said in her oh-no-you-didn't-voice.

"Nargles are going to eat us!" Luna said in her normal voice.

"Hey Colin!" Harry said, trying to distract everyone from the detention battle of Snape and McGonagall. "I'd like to buy a copy of that newspaper of yours."

"YAY! My first sale of the Hogwarts Post! Can I interest you in a subscription? It's only fourteen galleons," Colin said winningly.

"Yeah ok," Harry said in his whatever voice.

"Great!" Colin handed Harry one of the papers. "Extra! Extra! I've sold my first subscription!"

"Creevy, you need a life," said the same random Ravenclaw that Bobby had passed in the hall in the last chapter.

* * *

Colin Creevy was wandering the halls of Hogwarts looking for evidence.

He was also singing the "evidence" song.

"Evidence! Evidence! Evidence!" he sang. "I love evidence!"

He was also snapping random pictures of things that could be evidence. Maybe. Probably not, but you never know.

"Hey, look! That brick could be evidence!" Colin said to himself as he snapped a picture.

_Click_

"And that spider could be evidence!"

_Click_

"Same with that piece of grass!"

_Click_

"Same with that S.P.E.W. button!"

_Click_

_Click_

"Hinkypunks are taking over the Ministry!"

"Not now, Luna, I'm gathering evidence!"

_Click_

"Ooh! And that house elf looks very suspicious!"

_Click_

_Click_

Click

Bobby flinched. This Colin kid may not be the brightest, but he was onto something. He'd have to get rid of him.

So he did.

He jumped on the Camera Kid and stabbed him in the back with his infamous S.P.E.W. button.

Colin the Camera Kid gasped as he fell to his knees. "Extra—extra—I'm dying!"

Bobby gave the kid a weird look. "Was that supposed to be funny or something?"

"Actually no," Colin the Camera Kid said, looking up at the house elf. "I'm just doing my journalistic duty."

"Ah. Carry on then," Bobby said and he walked off down the hall.

"Right. Extra! Extra! Read all about it!" Colin shouted. "Dying journalist lying in the halls!"

"But there's nothing to read," said the Mysterious Stranger that first showed up in Chapter Eight.

"Oh," Colin said, looking up at the Stranger from his position on the floor. "I suppose I'll have to fix that, eh?"

"Yeah, that'd probably be good," the Stranger replied.

Colin rummaged through his pockets. He came out with a pen. Just a pen.

"You wouldn't happen to have any paper or anything, would you?" Colin asked after a moment.

"Here," the Stranger said politely, handing Colin some parchment. Then the Stranger disappeared.

"Thanks!"

Colin scribbled down some stuff on the paper and then rolled over and died.

Finally.

* * *

Harry Potter was wandering the halls of Hogwarts.

Suddenly a Mysterious Stranger popped up in front of him.

"HEY! You're not supposed to be able to Apperate in Hogwarts!" shouted Hermione Granger. "It says so in Hogwarts: A History!"

"Yeah?" retorted the Mysterious Stranger. "Well you know what else it says in Hogwarts: A History? YOU"RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!"

"Oh yeah."

Hermione headed back to Dungeon Five to be dead again.

Harry gave the Mysterious Stranger a very weird look.

"Harry Potter," said the Mysterious Stranger mysteriously. "I advise you to go to the fourth floor and wander the corridors up there for a while. You might find something interesting."

Harry shrugged, "Ok. It can't be worse than wandering down here."

And so Harry Potter went up to the fourth floor and wandered up there for a while.

Suddenly he stumbled over something. It was Colin.

"Colin, you never fail to amuse me," Harry said. "I mean, seriously, the lengths that you'll go to for a story. Your dedication is astounding, dude."

Just then, Harry noticed a piece of paper in Colin's hand. He pulled it out, ripping half of it in the process.

* * *

_To Whom It May Concern:_

_I am dying. I have a pretty good idea what killed me, too! I think it was this house elf. I'm not sure which one it was, I mean, they all look alike. But still. I'm almost completely positive that it was a house elf of some sort. Although it might have been a really ugly water buffalo…. Anyway, isn't this exciting? I'm finally getting my ultimate dream! I'm in the middle of a hard-hitting story! Wow. At least I'm dying happy._

_Colin Creevy, _

Editor in Chief, Head Reporter, Chief Photographer, Head of Research Dept., Head of Culinary Interests Dept., Head of Dept. of Sales, etc. etc.

* * *

"Wow," Harry said.

Then he burst into tears. "It's like the whole world's out to get me! I mean, first Voldemort kills my parents; then Ron and Hermione die; now Colin! All the people I care about are dropping like flies! I mean, who's next, Mr. Snuggles?"

The Mysterious Stranger appeared in front of him once more.

"Come on, Harry, buck up. You'll get through this somehow! You still have a few friends and Dumbledore's still alive! How much better could you're life g— did you just say you have a Mr. Snuggles?"

Harry nodded, tears still running down his cheeks.

"Sorry, man, you're screwed."

Harry's sobs returned in full gale force.

"Oh quit your sobbing, you pansy."

"Mysterious Stranger?" Harry asked, looking up blindly.

"No. The Mysterious Stranger disappeared without telling you."

Harry wiped his eyes, standing in front of him was a very grumpy looking house elf.

"Oh, Dobby! I'm so glad you came!"

"What? I'm not Dobby! Can you seriously not tell us apart? I'm taller than Dobby by at least four inches!"

"Oh, sorry Winky."

"That's it. I don't have the patience for this."

So Bobby stabbed Harry Potter in the back, leaving him, dead, in a puddle of tears next to Colin the Camera Kid's body.

Wiping the pin on his cloak, Bobby said, "I hate humans."

With that, he left to go to the kitchens.

* * *

**Longest chapter yet! WOO! Over a thousand words. Amazing.**

**So I made the mistake of letting my mom read this…. She couldn't get past chapter three. She said there were entirely too many grammatical errors and that it got more stupid with each chapter.**

**But that's why I love writing this!**

**In other news, I now have a scapegoat! Actually he prefers the title "Idea Boy" but whatever. The mysterious J who helped me last chapter is now my personal Scapegoat/Idea Boy/Laugh track/etc. I'm enjoying it. **

**Special thanks to my faithful reviewers, JulieMalfoyZabini, AlifeOfShadows, and I Own the Python's Cheese Shop. I have fans:wipes tears from eyes: Julie, you get special-er thanks because you've let me keep Harry in my closet, lol. Betsy, you get a big hug because you put up with me.**

**Next chapter coming soon!**


	12. In Which Bobby Makes A Wish

**The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf **

**Chapter 12**

_No offense to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. My personal thoughts are that it is a great program with a noble cause. Keep up the good work._

_I do not own Disney Land or anything Disney related. Please don't sue me as I am convinced that I was Mulan in a previous life, contented only by kicking some major Mongol butt. Not really, but it's fun to daydream during class, right?_

* * *

Draco Malfoy skipped merrily down the halls of Hogwarts. He was a very happy boy. All his enemies had died.

"YAY!" he said. "Potter's dead, Weasel-bee's dead, and the Bushy Mudblood's dead too!"

He skipped some more.

"I'm in such a good mood, I don't care that I'm a poof!"

He skipped a few steps more for good measure.

"And I want the WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW!"

He stopped at the top of the staircase. Flinging his arms wide he hollered so that all could hear, "I'M A POOF!"

He grinned at the shocked looks on his peers' faces.

He smirked when Pansy fainted.

He stopped short when a few people said, "I figured as much."

Dismissing their opinions, Draco the Poof skipped down the stairs to inform the staff.

Bobby, who was hiding behind a statue, watched as Draco skipped down the steps, a mixture of amusement and revulsion playing on his face.

_Yes._ The Poof would do nicely for his next victim.

* * *

Draco had skipped almost to the bottom of the steps.

Everything seemed to be going his way today. His enemies were dead; Pansy had fainted; Zacharias Smith (his current inamorato) had taken off his school robe and was looking _fine_; they had served pretzels with lunch; and, to top it all off, the sun was shining and the butterflies were out.

Yes, nothing could bring him down today.

Except perhaps the vanishing step.

Draco's mouth made a perfect 'o' of surprise as his foot caught in the vanishing step. He fell in up to his thigh, but the momentum of his skipping carried his top half downwards, resulting in a very nasty bruise on the head.

Draco pouted, causing several girls five counties away to swoon unexpectedly.

Bobby snuck out from behind the statue and walked casually down the hallway. Once he had reached the top of the stairs he stopped and cleverly hid himself behind a tapestry to plan his next move.

He reached down to pull his beloved S.P.E.W. pin out of his pocket. _Oh no!_ It wasn't there! However could he kill the Poof without it? He'd have to get… _inventive._

So Bobby once more stepped out into the hallway and strolled casually down the stairs.

"Oh house-elf!" he heard a plaintive cry.

"What?" he asked irritably. _Didn't these kids know he was busy?!_

"House-elf, please help me! I'm stuck in the vanishing step and I've developed a nasty bruise!"

"Oh, so you're having trouble, eh, Blond Poof?"

"Who?" Draco asked curiously.

"You. Blond Poof. Tell me, why should I help you?"

"Because I'm cute?"

At this, the fan girls five counties away felt their hearts skip a beat.

"Strike one," Bobby said giving him a long, hard look.

"Um… Because I'll give you a makeover?"

Bobby looked affronted. "A makeover? You think _I_ need a makeover?"

"Oh yes! For starters, you should replace that dreadful white tea towel with a… oh, a nice baby blue one. The white makes you look peaky."

"Strike two, Poofy."

Draco's face was the epitome of shock. He couldn't believe that _anyone_ in his or her right mind would turn down a makeover.

"Oh for heavens' sake! Rescue me because I'm pretty! Plus my daddy's rich."

"Strike three, Blondie. Tough luck for you."

Bobby snapped his fingers and a breakfast tray appeared.

Taking it in his hands, he smashed it over Draco's head.

_Now this is getting inventive._

* * *

But unfortunately, Bobby wasn't paying attention.

He had only knocked Draco out, not killed him.

The fan girls sighed in relief when he woke up a few hours later.

Unfortunately for Draco, he now had severe brain damage.

Fortunately, only a few seconds later, the Make-A-Wish Wizards cheerfully arrived.

"Hey, Draco Malfoy!" The Make-A-Wish Wizards greeted him happily. "Do you know why we're here?"

"No," Draco said slowly.

The Make-A-Wish Wizards got blank looks on their faces. "You don't?" — Draco shook his head — "Oh. Well, we've never gotten someone who… you know… doesn't know why we're here…."

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.

Suddenly one of the Make-A-Wish Wizards conjured up an official looking doctor.

"Tell him what we're here for," said the clever Make-A-Wish Wizard, in a very grammatically incorrect sort of way.

"Draco Malfoy," the doctor said in a very dull doctor sort of way. "The Make-A-Wish Wizards are here because you have extensive brain damage and are most likely dying. More specifically, they're here to take you to Disney Land for your last hoo-rah."

"Oh," Draco said slowly.

"Hang on tight!" The Make-A-Wish Wizards said, cheerful once more.

"Ok," Draco said slowly.

They Apparated into a clean white room.

"HEY! You're not supposed to be able to Apparate in Hogwarts!" Ron Weasley shouted angrily. "Hermione's always telling me that it says that in Hogwarts: A History! I wouldn't know from experience because I've never read that book, but she says it's in there!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN'S SPORK! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!" Bobby shouted back at him. Leaping through the air as gracefully as a house-elf could, Bobby landed on Ron's back and shoved a Bezoar down his throat. Ron was effectively choked and died yet again.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the clean white room, the Make-A-Wish Wizards were having Draco examined by a doctor to see how much time they would have at Disney Land.

The doctor slammed his stethoscope down on the examination table, scaring Draco witless.

"Well, it's the Broca's area in the frontal lobe. Fatally damaged. I'd give him about three weeks."

Fan girls everywhere cried.

"That settles it. We're going to Disney Land right now!" The Make-A-Wish Wizards said in determinedly cheerful voices.

So off they Apparated to Disney Land, not caring that Muggles would be there.

"Well, Draco, it's your Disney trip, where do you want to go?" The Make-A-Wish Wizards said happily.

"Mickey!!" Draco said, less slowly than before.

"Alright! We'll take you to Mickey."

Draco was led carefully to Mickey Mouse.

"Hey, Blond Kid! What's with you?" Mickey said, even though he's not really supposed to talk.

"His Broca's area is fatally damaged," The Make-A-Wish Wizards explained.

"Oh. That meant nothing to me!" Mickey said. "But I see you're from Make-A-Wish, so I'll be nice!"

He hugged Draco tightly. Draco, in his weakened state, was partially suffocated by Mickey's embrace.

That was when Draco started going nuts.

"I love you Mickey! Come to my arms! Mickeeeyy!"

"I didn't think he was capable of that much speech!" The Make-A-Wish Wizards said in shocked voices.

The Doctor randomly appeared. "He shouldn't be. But apparently I misdiagnosed him. He's just got a slight concussion. He's not going to die after all!"

Fan girls across the globe cheered.

"I'm not dying?" Draco asked slowly.

"He's not dying?" Bobby asked, Apparating into Disney World for no good reason.

"Nope," the Make-A-Wish Wizards said grimly. "Take him back to Hogwarts."

So Bobby did.

"I'm not dying!" Draco shouted gleefully once they were back in the school.

"You are if I have anything to say about it," Bobby said roughly. Grabbing the breakfast tray once more, Bobby bashed Draco in the head with it.

Then he stepped on his chest, impaling it with his sharp house-elf toenails.

_This is what you get for having me be inventive, _Bobby thought darkly.

Fan girls everywhere were torn between crying inconsolably and being grossed out.

* * *

**Again, no offense to Make-A-Wish. No offense to Draco Fans (I'm killing everyone else, it was only a matter of time). No offense to anyone else who was offended.**

**Special thanks to my TWO idea boys (count 'em, TWO!) J and M. It's official, I have fans, I have idea boys, all I'm missing is Daniel Radcliffe. Sorry. :looks sheepish:**

**Happy Easter to all!**


	13. In Which Bobby Does Get Mentioned

**The Adventures of Bobby the House-Elf **

**Chapter 13**

* * *

Albus Dumbledore stood in his office, sucking on a lemon drop.

_Mmm, what a thing to be addicted to!_ He thought happily.

He turned on the spot and gazed out the window, eyeing the lake, the forest, the Quidditch pitch, and anything else that happened to catch his eye.

He turned on the same spot and surveyed his office objectively. It was in desperate need of a good spring-cleaning.

_I've got it!_ He thought suddenly. _I'll get rid of all these stupid spinning things. Auction in the Great Hall!_

Dumbledore flipped a switch that said 'loudspeaker.'

"Attention students of Hogwarts! This is your headmaster speaking!"

The students looked up curiously, wondering where the loudspeakers were.

"What is a loudspeaker anyway?" Luna Lovegood wondered in a wondering voice. "It must be a cousin of the Blibbering Humdinger!"

The loudspeaker spoke again.

"It has come to my attention that there are far too many spinning things in my office! We shall have… AN AUCTION OF SPINNING THINGS!"

"Wow." The student body said.

"This auction of spinning things shall be held today at lunch time! Bring your friends! Bring your relatives! Bring your galleons! Buy spinning things!"

"Ok!" The student body said.

Back in his office, Dumbledore smiled serenely. "I shall sell my spinning things at the auction of spinning things today in the Great Hall."

* * *

_Later that day_

Dumbledore was perusing a lawn and garden catalog.

"There's nothing helpful in here! Oh, hyacinths!"

* * *

"Here we have a lovely specimen, ladies and gentlemen! A silver whirring thing, circa last year! Let's start the bidding at three sickles, shall we? Do I hear three?" Lee Jordan said to the occupants of the Great Hall.

Lee had been brought in especially for the auction; Dumbledore had said that they would need someone with experience with "these sorts of things" and Lee, being a professional auctioneer, was perfect for the job.

The auction continued. Strangely, none of the students lost interest.

Dumbledore smiled. _This auction had to be his best idea yet. Better than the twelve uses of Dragon's blood; better than bribing people to put him on the chocolate frog cards; even better than tattooing a map of the London Underground on his knee and telling everyone it was a scar! _

Four and a half hours later

"And now, ladies and gents, our final item! A special edition _gold_ spinning thing! Let's start the bidding at four galleons, sixteen sickles, and a knut, shall we?" Lee said wearily. "Do I hear four galleons, sixteen sickles, and a knut?"

"Four galleons, sixteen sickles, and a knut!" Someone in the crowd shouted.

"We have a bid for four galleons, sixteen sickles, and a knut! Do I hear—"

"NO!" The crowd shouted.

"Ok, ok, sold already."

And so the auction was finished.

Dumbledore smiled once again. His auction was finished. He was a happy wizard.

He relieved Lee of the sack of coins that they had collected and went back to his drab little office to count up his profits.

* * *

_One Hour Later_

"Final count: 427 galleons, sixteen sickles, and eight knuts! I'm a rich _and_ happy wizard!" Dumbledore said happily.

He pulled out his catalog again (_Wizarding In Style)_ and quickly tore out the order form from the back.

_1 (one) Shag carpet in bubblegum pink (3wis769)_

_1 (one) Twister game (9wis428)_

_1 (one) Bubble chair in opaque lavender (7wis221)_

_1 (one) Mood-o-Matic Floor to Ceiling Lava Lamp (14wis610)_

_1 (one) Spiral Slide in bright yellow (8wis314)_

_1 (one) Really Funky™ Gum Ball Machine in red (5wis269)_

_4 (four) Hyacinths in assorted colors (2wis158)_

Pulling out his wand, he said loudly, "Jiggery pokery submitus!"

The order form vanished with a loud 'pop', leaving a faint smell of sardines.

Two weeks later, the Wizarding In Style delivery van pulled outside the school.

Dumbledore bounced on the balls of his feet, joyous in his anticipation.

The deliverymen brought the boxes into his office and then left abruptly, not even bothering to help him unpack.

"How rude!" Dumbledore said in a disappointed voice. "I shall just have to unpack by myself. Or I could get the students to do it…. Extra credit assignment. Or, OH! Muggle Studies!"

He quickly flipped on the magical loudspeaker again. This was the perfect time to use it. And people said he'd never have the opportunity, HA!

"Students of Hogwarts, this is your illustrious Headmaster speaking! I have decided to host a Muggle Studies project in my office. All those who are interested, please report in the next five minutes. Thank you."

He smiled, "Now they can set up and I can supervise."

And so it was that five minutes later the entire population of Hufflepuff was busy unpacking Dumbledore's packages.

Four hours later, Dumbledore had to call the Ravenclaws in for help setting up his slide.

Five hours later, he had to call in the Slytherins to put Lemon Drops into his Really Funky™ gumball machine.

Six hours later, he had to tell the Gryffindors to go make dinner. Because, as everyone knows, the best chefs reside in Gryffindor Tower.

Spaghetti and meatballs. Yum.

And so, by four in the afternoon, Bobby was feeling slightly left out and highly offended. Not only had the headmaster not let the house elves unpack his packages, but then he had refused to let them make dinner afterwards! The whining was unbearable.

Bobby was a very unhappy house elf.

He hated whining.

With a passion.

_He needed to teach someone a lesson._

But first he had to clean up after those blasted Gryffindors and their dinner mess.

* * *

**Another day, another chapter of Bobby the House Elf. Sorry for the wait, my creativity decided to go on vacation without me. Now that's it's back you can expect updates more regularly again. **

**Oh, and we'll get back to the deaths next time. See if you can figure out who's next in line for the noose. Til next time, aloha.**


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